October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. My Mom was a victim, and I was a victim of child abuse.
You truly never know what someone is going through!
I'm an introvert, but I become an extrovert around the few people I feel safe and loved by. I was told that talking about my trauma might help, so I'm sharing this not for attention, but for awareness.
My childhood was marked by verbal abuse and one time it got physical (slapped across the face at the country store) from an alcoholic father. From ages 12 to 15, after I stood up for my Mom, comments like 'you will never amount to anything,' 'you’re ugly,' and 'you’re useless' became regular. This, understandably, made me extremely self-conscious.
Add to that the isolation of living in the boonies, and a few middle school friends who would intentionally ignore me for days, and you can see why I have a hard time trusting people. Our home was severely damaged due to a hurricane and a tornado with no insurance, so I never invited anyone over. While I never cared about being poor, the cruelty of girls whom I’ve decided not to name about thrift shopping and being poor really stuck with me. I truly hope they turned into nice adults. Funny enough, I love thrifting and deal seeking now, even though I can shop almost anywhere I want.
Then, at 17, I was sexually assaulted on my couch by an acquaintance of my brothers. I always thought I’d fight, but I froze. He saw I was awake, stopped, and left. I wish I had reported it, and I still worry that my silence meant he hurt others.
A couple of years later, I moved in with my Dad. He apologized for his past actions and helped me learn to cope and manage my severe anxiety. Forgiving him didn't change the past trauma, but it allowed me to move forward. I took care of him a year and a half later when he became sick, acting as his guardian until he passed away in Hospice.
At 22, I got my own place, met Greg, and eventually, we built this beautiful family of five.
My trauma molded me to be strong, caring, empathetic, and loving, but it also left me with severe self-consciousness and a fear of never feeling like I’m good enough.
I get teased for my hobbies—raising chickens, gardening, and puzzle building—but they are the very things that calm me. They are my peace.
Right now, Hurricane Milton has taken a large piece of that peace. My home has always been my safe space, and having to rebuild has been difficult. I’m praying we can get the kitchen completed by the end of the month and the second bathroom and hall done by the end of November. It’s my biggest wish.
At the end of the day, I am proud of who I am and what I’ve overcome. I do get tired of people trying to 'change' me. I know they mean well, but it hurts. It ignites that 13-year-old girl being told she will never be good enough. Please remember to choose kindness and acceptance. 
I love you Kathy
ReplyDelete🫂 I'm sorry you went through that 😔 you are a wonderful and strong woman
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